Tired

I didn't know what else to do, but write this down and get it out. I'm not blogging this for pitty, sympathy or to have anyone feel sorry for me. Advice is great, but really, I just have all these feelings bubbling up inside me and I needed to get them out. I doubt anyone even ever read this anyway...

I'm so tired. More tired than I ever thought a person could be. I'm drowning and I don't know what to do to stop it. I hate this feeling of utter hopelessness and sadness. I'm desperate to feel happy and carefree again.

It's this time of year! I hate winter. I hate cold. I hate the darkness that comes so early these days. I miss Florida; the warmth, the sunshine, the sea breeze. It's hard because I love it here in Oregon so much too. And it's not as bad here in Klamath Falls as I thought it would be, of course it's still early yet, so the weather can and may still change for the worse, but at least there is a great amount of sunshine during most days that does help. But I want to go back to Florida so badly!
I miss my own home. I miss my own stuff. I've given up so much and it's really hurting me. I hate feeling so patheticly, whinny over material stuff, but my husband and I worked our butts off to own it and now it's gone.

I'm tired of being poor and insecure financially. I am so sick of having to worry every second of the day where our next meal will come from or how we'll afford new shoes for the kids or how we'll pay the damn cell phone bill or if we'll have enough wood to keep us warm. I long for the day I have financial freedom and security: Will that day ever come? Or am I doomed to live like this forever?
I try, I really try hard to not think about that and be thankful for my blessings... and really I am forever grateful for the things I do have, but WHY, why has all my life been a struggle just to put food on the table? Why do I have to choose between eating or buying shoes for my kids? I'm tired of life being so bloody hard.

I sound like such a whinny brat! I hate that about myself. I know I have A LOT to be thankful for and I shouldn't take any of it for granted and believe me, I don't! I know things could be much much worse than they are, but the fact remains, I'm tired of living this way. No matter how hard we work, scrimp, save, scrounge and do right... we never ever get ahead. We never get a break and we never
have any money to do anything.

I don't want to be "rich" and spoiled like these million dollar people are. I NEVER want to be that way. All I want, all I've ever wanted, is to just live comfortably and have the freedom and security money would offer. A nice home of my own, that can't be taken away by anything other than mother nature, if she so doomed. Health insurance so my family and I can go to the Dentist, the eye doctor, or just to get a checkup! To be able to buy groceries without food stamps! To buy household items such as toilet paper, laundry soap, toothpaste and razors without worrying that if we buy those things we won't be able to pay a damn utility bill or make the car payment. All I want is to be secure enough to go into a store and buy a new pair of shoes without feeling guilty for spending money on myself when my kids need a new coat or a pair of jeans. I want to be able to go out on a date with my husband and not have to eat off the McDonald's $1 menu because it's all we can afford. I'm just tired of it. All of it. Tired of being stuck at home because we can't afford to go anywhere. We can't even go bowling or to see a movie. It's sucks having to be stuck at home all the time because we can't afford to go out.

Many people throw it my face that I don't have a job and that maybe if I worked there would be money to go around. Well sure! But, we only have one car, I have very little experience in the workforce and who will be here to make sure the kids stay out of trouble if I'm not here? Not to mention, it took my husband a full year to find a new job in this economy... and it's minimum wage! It pays LESS than Unemployment was paying him. So how the hell am I going to find a job? I've applied to various places for clerical or cashier work. It's all I know how to do, and nothing! No response to applications. Who wants to hire a 'stay at home mother" with no skills, when there are people out there with college degrees vieing for the same jobs who have skills? NO ONE! That's who.

And besides of which: My having a meesly paying job won't change our dire straights at this point. Two minimum wage jobs won't give me the financial freedom and security I'm looking for, in fact, that would just make me feel worse! Because not only would I not be bringing home enough money, but my household would fall apart too. I'm from the "old school" that a mother's duty is to her kids and household, and take care of her husband. I'm a wife and mother, that's all I know. I could find part-time work... again, sure! But really... what good would it do? I'm all for getting out of the house for a few hours a day and having the chance at meeting new people. That would be the only good thing about me finding a job. If I could actually find one!

I'm drained, I'm wore out, I'm tired. I need to figure out what I'm suppose to do with these feelings and get over it!